Brighton 0-0 Newcastle Callum Wilson has had a goal disallowed for a high boot, it says here.
“It’s nice and cool here in Saint Paul, Minnesota, USA, USA, USA, too,” writes Matty Spillum. “Perhaps more telling than whether the pyramid-scheme-unfolding-in-real-time disaster that is Barcelona and their use of a quite expensive looking typeface is their choice of coach Xavi for the graphic, presumably because his image rights are significantly cheaper to use.”
What gives me pause with Barcelona is that a lot of very well-informed folk insist there is nothing to see here, so maybe we’re the clowns here. Who knows.
Man City 0-0 Bournemouth Mark Travers, Bournemouth’s excellent young Irish goalkeeper, has just saved superbly with his legs to deny Phil Foden. City could already be 4-0 up.
“Hey Rob,” says Vibhanshu Bisht. “If you want Comic Sans, the Man Utd game is in the 5.30pm slot.”
The sight of McFred’ in Comic Sans would tip some poor soul over the edge.
“Probably worth noting that the moment they kicked off, Bournemouth went top of the leaguem,” says Richard Morris. “Noting quickly as probably not for long.”
“Do you think Neil Warnock’s boat’s engine arrived auto-tuned to ‘Girl I Love You’ by Massive Attack?” says Neill Brown. “I don’t have a speedboat or yacht so I don’t know if you can choose what bassline your engine plays.”
It’s a perfectly reasonable question, so why do I keep reading it as: “Do you think Neil Warnock makes love to ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’ by Stevie Wonder?”
Man City 0-0 Bournemouth Both City’s centre-halves, Ruben Dias and Nathan Ake, have missed good chances, it also says here.
Arsenal 0-0 Leicester Wesley Fofana has missed a good chance to give Leicester the lead, it says here.
“I bumped into Bruno Lage in a cafe in Tettenhall, Wolverhampton last week,” writes Peter Higginson. “Have you noticed he has incredibly thin and long legs, like a fly! Do you think this is important?”
It is now!
“Good afternoon, Rob!” says Alexandra Ashton. “Following up on Charles’ analysis of the teamsheets posted by various clubs’ social media, I’d like to voice my discontent with Wolves (using a different font for the numbers, captain ©, and the word “substitutes”??) and Bournemouth (I may be blind, but those numbers seem rather hard to read). Conversely, I’m fond of Newcastle’s semi-condensed looking font and very pretty colour scheme. Does this mean anything? Obviously not, but I’ve nothing better to do, so…”
All this font chat has got me looking further afield. Look at Barcelona’s, for example. Can they even afford that font?
The 3pm games are about to start, but let’s attend to more important matters: Grant Tennille has cracked the case of the Brighton/Radiohead font crossover.
Aston Villa 2-1 Everton
Andy Hunter was at Villa Park to watch the home side quieten some of the chatter about their manager.
“Hey Rob!” says Joe Pearson. “How smug do you feel to be in Orkney right now, comfortably in the teens when most of the matches will be played in the 30s? Here in Indianapolis, it is an unseasonably cool 64 (19 to you). Location, location, location.”
It does look violently hot at the Emirates in particular. Reminds me of the 2003 Community Shield, when the heat got to Phil Neville and Franny Jeffers.
“Those images of team selections allow a comparison of PR departments’ choice of font and style,” squints Charles Antakia. “ They all go for all-caps, some (Leicester, Leeds) with generous kerning, but Man City suffocatingly tight. Fonts run a scale from boring (Bournemouth) to child-friendly (Brighton). Today’s prize goes to Arsenal, for somehow digging up a font last seen in the spaceship signage of a 1990s sci-fi series.”
Brighton’s looks like a Radiohead font, though I can’t place which one. Any idea? Leicester’s looks like it belongs on the portfolio of a start-up company specialising in eco-friendly toothpaste. Sad to see that none of the teams have gone for Comic Sans. What a humourless society we’ve become.
“Firstly, Neil Warnock is an absolute enigma,” says Matt Dony. “Thoroughly dislikeable, but also at times warm, funny and engaging. I don’t get him. I don’t know how I feel about him. Secondly, I stand by my pre-season prediction that Mitrovic will net eight goals this season, scored either side of a 10-game drought. He’s spaffed two of them already, so don’t expect much from him today. Thirdly, poor Bournemouth. Poor, poor Bournemouth.”
Full time: Aston Villa 2-1 Everton
Aston Villa survived a late Everton onslaught, sparked by the introduction of the new signing Amadou Onana, to win their first home game of the season.
Everton’s next match, at home to Nottingham Forest next weekend, already feels like a biggie.
“Afternoon Rob,” weeps Simon McMahon. “Don’t worry about keeping too close an eye on things in Scotland, as I’m still processing the events of Thursday night as Dundee United have gone from heroes to zeroes in the space of a week, following victory over AZ Alkmaar with defeat at home to Livingston and then a record-equalling pumping in the return leg in Holland on Thursday night.
“No denying it, a proper minter for all concerned with the Tannadice club. Goodness knows what Jim McLean would have made of it. The players will eventually be forced out of hiding to face Hearts at Tynecastle tomorrow. Champions Celtic are at Kilmarnock before that, and today’s games are Aberdeen v Motherwell, Livingston v Hibs, Rangers v St. Johnstone and St. Mirren v Ross County.”
Just watch this on loop for the next forever days.
In a parallel universe, Neil Warnock is just starting his teamtalk ahead of a tricky match at the Weston Homes Stadium
‘The name’s w****er. Colin w****r’, etc.
On Monday, the Premier League will be 30 years old. Barney Ronay had the unenviable task of condensing three decades of hype and history into a breezy, stylish, intelligent 2,000-word read.
Look out, it’s the Premier League!
The early Premier League game is at Villa Park, where Aston Villa lead Everton 1-0 at half-time. Scott Murray is watching that one.
In decades to come, historians will scratch their heads when they reflect upon the late 2010s and early 2020s. Brexit, Trump, Covid, Johnson, populism, Twitter, post-truth, post-shame, post-dignity – all will defy understanding, in the same way our generation can’t imagine fag smoke wafting round an airplane and up pre-pubescent nostrils before the poor kids had the chance to get addicted to nicotine on their own terms.
Most beard-strokingly of all, the finest minds on the planet will struggle to comprehend that many sensible, erudite people seriously doubted whether Erling Braut Haaland would score goals in industrial quantities at Manchester City.
Haaland’s terrifying double at West Ham last weekend was a statement of the most devastating intent – 34’s the record, since you asked – and it’s a shame Opta don’t have statistics on how well the Bournemouth central defenders slept last night. Jefferson Lerma, Chris Mepham and Lloyd Kelly have the ginormous task of stopping Haaland, who makes his home debut for Manchester City today.
City v Bournemouth – the Eddie Large game – is one of five 3pm kick-offs, all of which are likely to be played in extreme heat. We’ll also keep a side eye on events throughout the EFL, in Scotland and in Europe, but our main focus will be these five Premier League games:
Arsenal v Leicester
Brighton v Newcastle
Man City v Bournemouth
Southampton v Leeds
Wolves v Fulham