Richard, I am in my early 40s and separated from my husband last year. We have one daughter together. This last year has been the most difficult year of my life, and to make matters worse, he has recently started to date someone we both know. I am finding this incredibly difficult and find myself getting very angry at my daughter when she talks about her father’s girlfriend in a positive way. He asked me if he could take our daughter on holiday with him and his girlfriend in August and I broke down. He saw me crying and I’m annoyed with myself for that. I’m all over the place. What would you advise?
Thank you for your mail. I’m very sorry to hear that your
relationship with your husband ended last year. When we start out in a new relationship and it develops into a serious commitment, we never consider the potential of that relationship ending.
But so many relationships end. You’re not alone. Some 44,000 couples got divorced in Ireland in the last 10 years, and married couples with one child have a 25-30% higher risk of marital breakdown than those with no children or with more than one. Not every couple makes it to old age together, and we often view those who do as some sort of blissful, wonderfully compatible companions. But that isn’t always the case, and we tend to view the lives of others through rose-tinted glasses.
Remember: comparison is the thief of joy. Marriage is hard, and rearing children is a very difficult and challenging experience. The first thing you have to do is stop viewing the breakdown of your marriage as a personal failure. The pressures on couples today are immense, so give yourself a break.
The most important advice I think you need to hear would be to talk to someone about what you are experiencing. The fact that your ex-husband has started a new relationship has caused you a considerable amount of pain, complicated further by dating someone you both know.
When we separate from our partner, in those early months we can often wonder about whether or not it is temporary. We can have so many confusing thoughts about the future and our potential life with our ex-partner.
Depending on what led to the separation, perhaps you had thoughts or unspoken wishes that it might be possible to heal the issues that caused the separation. Maybe this new relationship has provoked those feelings. But you will only really understand what is causing such upset by talking to a professional.
The fact that you are getting angry highlights that there is a fear here too. Anger is fear’s antidote, so talking with someone trained to gain insights into what the fear is would be very helpful. Of course, you will confide in friends and family, but while they want the best for you, they might not always give you the best advice. Finding the right therapist where you can really bear your soul and your hopes and dreams for the future will be a very important first step.
The fact that your ex-husband is dating someone you both know has complicated the separation further. It is important to watch how you react to your daughter talking about her father’s new girlfriend.
Of course, it will be very hard to hear her speak about her in positive tones, but you must guard yourself and your daughter in this dynamic. You don’t know how long this relationship will last and you must protect yourself and your daughter and make sure that whoever your ex-husband dates does not impact the relationship you have with your daughter.
A significant moment in healing and beginning to thrive again will be when you move from thinking about what your ex-partner is doing to what you want from your life. You are still very young, you have a lot of exciting times in your life to happen yet. The sooner you concentrate on yourself and build towards the life you want to have, the sooner you will notice you are no longer thinking about your ex-partner and who he is dating.
Separation is difficult, but you have managed that very well so far. Whether or not you allow your daughter to travel on holiday with his new girlfriend is a decision you will have to come to.
If you would rather she didn’t travel, maybe it would be a good idea to clarify your reasons with your ex-husband and explain that it might be too soon in their relationship, and cause confusion for your daughter. It sounds like he is open to discussing this with you as he asked your permission in the first place.
And give yourself a break for crying in front of him too; so you’re human and you have feelings, and you expressed those feelings? That is courage. You have been through a considerable amount this year. But you survived it and you protected your child in the process.
You are a lot stronger than you think. And things will improve.
