While I am acutely aware that men don’t usually comment about how teenage girls dress, I have decided to write on this topic because I feel there is a lack of awareness of the potential damage caused to teenage girls by the peer pressure they experience to dress beyond their age. This topic reminds me of a clinical case I was involved in some years ago, where an 11-year-old child was excluded from her peer group because she wore a swimsuit instead of a bikini to a swimming trip. I had thought this was an isolated incident, but emerging from a recent discussion, this pressure seems only to be becoming more pervasive.
During a chat with a group of young teenagers (13/14 years old), as part of a work project, the theme of the teenage disco came up. The series of lockdowns had meant that the recent Summer break had provided this group’s first opportunity to attend a teenage disco.
The boys in the group were fairly indifferent about the experience and admitted that they hadn’t given an awful lot of thought to it. The girls on the other hand had plenty to say. One girl described it as ‘so stressful’ when she was referring to the dilemma of choosing the right outfit. Her peers agreed and drew parallels between the teenage disco and a fashion show. They described how it was very important to have the ‘right dress’, which they explained was determined by their female peers’ impression of it. They explained how their outfit choices were mostly inspired by their peers and older siblings. Interestingly, one girl expressed how she really enjoyed ‘the getting ready part’ of the process as she was just with the other girls, but ‘did not like having to go outside in it as much’. This moved the conversation to where they explained how the outfits they felt pressured to wear made them feel uncomfortable. They were not referring to the physical discomfort of wearing very high heels, instead, it was the degree of self-consciousness they felt while wearing these outfits.
They explained that all of the outfits they ‘needed’ to wear are figure-hugging and tight-fitting and as a result made them very conscious of their body shape. When I asked about their use of the word ‘needed’ they explained that there is pressure to dress this way because ‘the more of your body that is on show and the more make-up you wear, the older you look’, which seemed to be part of the overall goal. They said you could be ‘banished’ if you didn’t follow this dress code. Interestingly, this need to look older was not for the purposes of buying alcohol or getting in somewhere that required them to be over 18 years of age, it was just because it was the ‘done thing’. Surprisingly, alcohol did not feature too prominently in the discussion at all. Most believed that there were ‘too many checks’ in place for anyone to ‘get away with drinking’.
What was becoming clear as we chatted was that despite the discomfort that these girls felt, they believed that they were compelled to dress, act and behave in a way that was not how they wanted. They explained that the pressure was not so much related to culture and society, but more from other girls within their peer group. One girl suggested that you could be teased or excluded for wearing jeans to a school disco. The pressure to wear clothes that make you feel self-conscious and vulnerable is real and seems primarily to be coming from other teenage girls.
They also remarked that all clothes are like that nowadays. It is hard to get items that do not make you look older, one girl captured this sentiment by saying ‘you only have 2 choices, you can dress like a Kardashian or an EMO, there’s no in between.
I need to be aware that there will always be a generational difference of opinion when it comes to young people’s fashion. I can remember my father saying ‘you’re not going out in that’ to my sister when we were growing up. So, is it any different now or am I just turning into my father?
In the interest of balance, I spoke to two adult female friends who could relate to the girls’ accounts. They told me that even when shopping for younger children, it is almost impossible to buy clothes that are not ‘crop tops or tiny shorts’. They then asked me if I believed there was an emotional and social consequence to young girls feeling pressured to wear clothes that make them feel uncomfortable and body conscious?
It is my view that adolescence is a difficult time as our bodies change at a rapid rate. Having to wear clothes that are unforgiving and undergo body scrutiny surely adds extra stress. About 60% of my clinical work involves treating young girls with anorexia. A common feature in this presentation is a concept known as ‘maturity fear’. ‘Maturity Fear’ occurs when a child feels propelled into an adult persona that they do not feel ready for. It has been queried whether the starvation symptom of anorexia is an attempt to ‘stop the developmental clock’ and delay the onset of their menstrual period and body development. The onset of anorexia is thought to be linked to a fundamental discomfort at becoming a sexual object and attracting the ‘gaze’ of the Other.
I think that the desire to look older is not new and I am acutely aware that discussing this topic runs the risk of sounding like I am veering close to ‘shaming’. That is not the purpose of this conversation. My concerns are not so much about a dress code but purely about the potential emotional impact of this kind of peer pressure on the child’s developmental process. My expertise has taught me that growing up and being pressured into appearing older than you are is not psychologically or emotionally healthy for children. Children can appear pseudo-mature and street-wise, influenced by the way they present and project themselves. But when you speak to them on a deeper level you realise they are not cognitively, emotionally or psychologically anywhere near the same level.
I believe that any girl should be able to wear whatever she wants without it being commented on. But it is important that she is presenting herself this way because it is her choice, not because of pressure from her peers.
I worry that the ever-shrinking phenomenon of childhood is causing children to have to be older much younger. ‘Trauma’ can be described as being exposed to an experience that you are not emotionally, cognitively or socially ready for.
We need to protect our children from that peer pressure. It is not right that the person who sets the bar the lowest sets the tone for everyone else. This dynamic is similar to gaming where the first parent to crack and buy the over-18s game for their child in 5th class creates pressure for all the other parents in the class.
It is not oppressive to hear what your child has to say, but disagree with them. Sometimes saying ‘no’ is not being mean, it’s giving your child what they need instead of what they want and therefore being responsible.
The fashion world is not interested in your child’s emotional development, it is purely concerned with profit. For that reason, we need to provide our children with guidance and options that allow them to be children, especially if their peers are not. I have a 9-year-old daughter and when her time comes to attend a school disco, I want her to be able to wear a pair of jeans if she wants to and not have to worry about suffering social consequences for this choice. It is not up to social media, fashion outlets, or their teenage peers to protect the emotional and social wellbeing of children — it is up to the grown-ups in the room. Therefore, I would ask if we need to advocate on behalf of those who do not feel comfortable having to grow up so fast. Maybe we need to ask if we are inadvertently permitting our teenage daughters to apply this type of peer pressure on others, and if so, maybe we need to take a moment to rethink that too.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
